I have to admit kids, last night was probably one of the most amazing I've had in quite some time, not because of the craziness, just the conversation! After a long day in the office-aka playing with the favs! We did the Brown and Company, where stupid whore waitress took forever and year with drinks, but either way we had a great time. Rushed home for Mikey and Chad to come play, which was fabulous given I hadn't seem them in forever and a year...aka since the divorce. So we caught up played clue and drinks of course. Then after they rolled out a little after midnight my favorite people in Elon came over and we stayed up with drinks and convo till after 530 when they left, I have to admit I was sad to see them leave. That said, you know I'm pretty lucky, very lucky in fact, to have people in my life to bond with-drinks or no drinks.
I've been doing a lot of reflecting on the bull shit I've gotten myself into, and the people I "want" to be around and the thing is I need to stop trying to be what i'm not and accept who I am, a fun responsible person who yearns for fun. So that's my new plan.
Today was great I awoke to a cleaning spree, followed by a shopping day in GSO with the Jonathan topless and frigid of course, but ever more fabulous. Then followed that up with the moravian love feast, which was a disappointment by far, and home to take care of some business. Oye
I'm dying to go out and buy a new wii, I really want one, I want to play one I love it, and I wish I still had my wii buddy oh well. Give up move on to the next :) I just wish friendship would have remained on the plate, I don't understand why it can't I guess perhaps I didn't have the brains for it, but irregardless, I'll get over it. It just bites that I lost potential friends, I had so much fun with them all in CH while I was there. I think I'll try and see what I can do to sustain what I started. Without being pushy...thats the hard part. Oh TWELL.
That's that!
Tacos and Fruit Loops
Sunday, December 7, 2008
Saturday, December 6, 2008
Life is Beautimus
So today has been pretty ultra fab with the exception of being at work, on an exciting note though I drove
http://www.autotrader.com/dealers/dda/detail.jsp?ct=u&car_id=253125814&dealer_id=1360109&car_year=2006&dealership_view_name=iveymotorcars&first_record=26&sort_type=make_modelASC&pager.offset=25&cardist=0
I go back on Monday to have my car appraised, but I think she'll do just fine. I need to come up with a name though, Aurora was just like an instant fit for my little bugaboo.
It was a funny story actually, one of my students found it for me and took me for an adventure on lunch to go see it! We're going to celebrate our find after work with drinks at Brown and Company-before I run home to host a little game night exciting right??? I am pretty excited about it.
So todays, been hit and miss, I think i'm getting sick again which sucks ass but I'll get over it.
So tonight will be interesting in that Michael and Chad are coming over-ex of Matty Moo. It'll be the first time since the divorce that I've seen him, I'm hoping it goes well, however, I'm a little concerned I'll say something to the effect of you shouldn't have been such a douche to him. But aside from that I think it'll be a lot of fun, I adored him before I hated him...that has to account for something.
I'm going to DC next weekend after my final to celebrate class being over, me doing the GMAT on the 22nd, and Bridget's departure to ASIA for three bloody months. I'm rather excited about it as well. Only to come back to a few doctors appointments, and a major cram session for my GMAT. Then it's GMAT, Charlotte, NYC. I can't believe how crazy this month's going to be. And to see the ball drop in time square is going to be much fun I'm sure.
Ok back to work I go,
Tootles
http://www.autotrader.com/dealers/dda/detail.jsp?ct=u&car_id=253125814&dealer_id=1360109&car_year=2006&dealership_view_name=iveymotorcars&first_record=26&sort_type=make_modelASC&pager.offset=25&cardist=0
I go back on Monday to have my car appraised, but I think she'll do just fine. I need to come up with a name though, Aurora was just like an instant fit for my little bugaboo.
It was a funny story actually, one of my students found it for me and took me for an adventure on lunch to go see it! We're going to celebrate our find after work with drinks at Brown and Company-before I run home to host a little game night exciting right??? I am pretty excited about it.
So todays, been hit and miss, I think i'm getting sick again which sucks ass but I'll get over it.
So tonight will be interesting in that Michael and Chad are coming over-ex of Matty Moo. It'll be the first time since the divorce that I've seen him, I'm hoping it goes well, however, I'm a little concerned I'll say something to the effect of you shouldn't have been such a douche to him. But aside from that I think it'll be a lot of fun, I adored him before I hated him...that has to account for something.
I'm going to DC next weekend after my final to celebrate class being over, me doing the GMAT on the 22nd, and Bridget's departure to ASIA for three bloody months. I'm rather excited about it as well. Only to come back to a few doctors appointments, and a major cram session for my GMAT. Then it's GMAT, Charlotte, NYC. I can't believe how crazy this month's going to be. And to see the ball drop in time square is going to be much fun I'm sure.
Ok back to work I go,
Tootles
Friday, December 5, 2008
Fish are food I mean friends not food
So here it is 345 and I'm awake, I did do that sleep thing for a couple hours tonight, but was awakened to my silly head again. I'm beginning to hate it really, and thought for a while it was getting better. I had almost learned how to make it through the night without waking to the tune of WOMP WOMP. Oh well.
Today was my wake up call, I thank him for a big portion of it. Truth be known that at this point, I need to re-evaluate what I'm doing. I need to stop trying to find him and instead find myself, find my school, find my job. I'm smart and always have been I just need to learn to trust that in due time I'll be in a place where I can move forth with my life in all areas. Until then I'm going to try my hardest to be content with fun and surrounded by fabulous friends that I am very thankful to have in my life. That said I contacted a number of those fabulous friends, and hope that we'll ve able to get together soon, even more so because come next Friday I have to put on the game face for real.
I can't believe GMAT is around the corner, I am so not ready, and I am terrified. But I guess I'll manage.
Well time to try falling asleep again for a few hours, aka watch reruns of SATC till I fall asleep again.
Today was my wake up call, I thank him for a big portion of it. Truth be known that at this point, I need to re-evaluate what I'm doing. I need to stop trying to find him and instead find myself, find my school, find my job. I'm smart and always have been I just need to learn to trust that in due time I'll be in a place where I can move forth with my life in all areas. Until then I'm going to try my hardest to be content with fun and surrounded by fabulous friends that I am very thankful to have in my life. That said I contacted a number of those fabulous friends, and hope that we'll ve able to get together soon, even more so because come next Friday I have to put on the game face for real.
I can't believe GMAT is around the corner, I am so not ready, and I am terrified. But I guess I'll manage.
Well time to try falling asleep again for a few hours, aka watch reruns of SATC till I fall asleep again.
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Foolish...
So I went out on a limb last night and sorta spilled my guts, silly me thought it went well. But I should have known better. Why I continue to be so foolish I'll never know, and why I seem to like the unobtainable I'll never know, and why I let the unobtainable win me over only to spit me out I'll never know. What I do know though, is I need to go back to being cold, it was easier and less painful. And not painful in the heart broken sense but more like the self respect painful. I don't like being the butt of jokes-another notch on the post-another entry into the log book. I value relationships and take nothing for granted, but what have i started in the last several weeks but a multitude of the shelf paper relationships with people, where they could take me or leave me, and appear to only want me around when all else fails. Its been hard to swallow, here I thought I was genuinely fun to be around-guess not. I'm going to try my best not to let it get to me, I've had a lot of fun and will continue to do so, if nothing else it has all made me realize I'm still alive, something that for so long I didn't think was the case. Ok 8AM-I have to get sleep, I just needed to get it out...
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Oh mom...
Mom…
Where to begin, you know I thought I had put all of this behind me and that I’d no longer allow it to get to me, and I have to admit I think I’ve done a good job with it. Moving on that is. Or trying to. I love her, but I can’t allow her to do as she has all my life which is bring me down, bring me down to her level. To that level where you hate yourself because she hates herself so much. But guess what…its happened again, I feel helpless and trapped again. I want so badly to be there for her to step in, give it all up to go home and hold her hand. To be that strong support she’s going to need to get through this all. But is it a battle worth trying to fight? No, we’ve done this-time and time again, but with no end result that is worth mentioning.
I hope this times different, I’m going to keep my fingers crossed that it is, and I’ll add her to my list of prayers. Can’t hurt-or can it. I’ve thought about this, why is it she’s here-why has she survived all the crashes, the drug ods, the drinking binges, the boy friends, gun fights, poverty, health. WHY? You’d think she was Ghandi or something for all she’s been able to make it through. I cringe at the thought of dealing with a lot of it. I feel bad when I have to put a tank of gas on a credit card, couldn’t imagine what it’d be like putting a house payment and all my groceries there too. That has to take it’s toll on you after a while.
What’s scarier, is I’m hers. I am a by product of her, she brought me up. Who’s to say I’m not turning into her? It’s a thought that terrorizes me on a regular basis. I try my hardest, but then again what am I doing right now…fighting the bit that keeps me in line. I bitch about being the put together one, I want to be the goes out and has fun one…or do I? I miss everything being in line. Having someone to come home and make dinner for every night, someone to snuggle up to on the couch to talk about my day with, or watch a new movie, or even those silly reruns of CSI that I hated with a passion. But it seems I either want it all or want nothing. I have that regiment now but with a cat, give me a break. This past weekend was a teaser. I got used to having someone to sleep with again, and it’s a feeling that has left me again feeling home wrecked, and my only solution is to find another. I just want that comfort, that safety net. I haven’t slept like I did in years and yearn for it.
I guess what this all adds up to is I feel I’m going to have to be more self critical than before. I can’t allow myself to fall to her level. As much as I want to be with someone, as much as I want to go out, as much as I want to be the life that keeps people burning-I have to tame that beast, and be me. Hope that instead of trying to please every or even some-one that I’ll need to please myself first and hope that someone finds that self to be the best and worthy of their time.
Ugh, again I feel like this blog has turned into mindless ramble-but I really don’t mean to seem like a downer, this is just what’s in my head, and getting it out here-well it’s been nice. It’s almost like telling someone but not…if that makes sense and all.
Stay tuned until next time when I spill it again for you….
Where to begin, you know I thought I had put all of this behind me and that I’d no longer allow it to get to me, and I have to admit I think I’ve done a good job with it. Moving on that is. Or trying to. I love her, but I can’t allow her to do as she has all my life which is bring me down, bring me down to her level. To that level where you hate yourself because she hates herself so much. But guess what…its happened again, I feel helpless and trapped again. I want so badly to be there for her to step in, give it all up to go home and hold her hand. To be that strong support she’s going to need to get through this all. But is it a battle worth trying to fight? No, we’ve done this-time and time again, but with no end result that is worth mentioning.
I hope this times different, I’m going to keep my fingers crossed that it is, and I’ll add her to my list of prayers. Can’t hurt-or can it. I’ve thought about this, why is it she’s here-why has she survived all the crashes, the drug ods, the drinking binges, the boy friends, gun fights, poverty, health. WHY? You’d think she was Ghandi or something for all she’s been able to make it through. I cringe at the thought of dealing with a lot of it. I feel bad when I have to put a tank of gas on a credit card, couldn’t imagine what it’d be like putting a house payment and all my groceries there too. That has to take it’s toll on you after a while.
What’s scarier, is I’m hers. I am a by product of her, she brought me up. Who’s to say I’m not turning into her? It’s a thought that terrorizes me on a regular basis. I try my hardest, but then again what am I doing right now…fighting the bit that keeps me in line. I bitch about being the put together one, I want to be the goes out and has fun one…or do I? I miss everything being in line. Having someone to come home and make dinner for every night, someone to snuggle up to on the couch to talk about my day with, or watch a new movie, or even those silly reruns of CSI that I hated with a passion. But it seems I either want it all or want nothing. I have that regiment now but with a cat, give me a break. This past weekend was a teaser. I got used to having someone to sleep with again, and it’s a feeling that has left me again feeling home wrecked, and my only solution is to find another. I just want that comfort, that safety net. I haven’t slept like I did in years and yearn for it.
I guess what this all adds up to is I feel I’m going to have to be more self critical than before. I can’t allow myself to fall to her level. As much as I want to be with someone, as much as I want to go out, as much as I want to be the life that keeps people burning-I have to tame that beast, and be me. Hope that instead of trying to please every or even some-one that I’ll need to please myself first and hope that someone finds that self to be the best and worthy of their time.
Ugh, again I feel like this blog has turned into mindless ramble-but I really don’t mean to seem like a downer, this is just what’s in my head, and getting it out here-well it’s been nice. It’s almost like telling someone but not…if that makes sense and all.
Stay tuned until next time when I spill it again for you….
I have a problem with this for real
Ads on tests add up for teacher
Tom Farber gives a lot of tests. He's a calculus teacher, after all.
So when administrators at Rancho Bernardo, his suburban San Diego high school, announced the district was cutting spending on supplies by nearly a third, Farber had a problem. At 3 cents a page, his tests would cost more than $500 a year. His copying budget: $316. But he wanted to give students enough practice for the big tests they'll face in the spring, such as the Advanced Placement exam.
"Tough times call for tough actions," he says. So he started selling ads on his test papers: $10 for a quiz, $20 for a chapter test, $30 for a semester final.
San Diego magazine and The San Diego Union-Tribune featured his plan just before Thanksgiving, and Farber came home from a few days out of town to 75 e-mail requests for ads. So far, he has collected $350. His semester final is sold out.
That worries Robert Weissman, managing director of Commercial Alert, a Washington-based non-profit that fights commercialization in school and elsewhere. If test-papers-as-billboards catches on, he says, schools in the grip of tough economic times could start relying on them to help the bottom line.
"The advertisers are paying for something, and it's access to kids," he says.
About two-thirds of Farber's ads are inspirational messages underwritten by parents. Others are ads for local businesses, such as two from a structural engineering firm and one from a dentist who urges students, "Brace Yourself for a Great Semester!"
Principal Paul Robinson says reaction has been "mixed," but he notes, "It's not like, 'This test is brought to you by McDonald's or Nike.' "
To Farber, 47, it's a logical solution: "We're expected to do more with less."
The National Education Association says teachers spend about $430 out of their pockets each year for school supplies. This semester, Christine Van Ruiten, a teacher at E.C. Reems, a charter school in East Oakland, has spent $2,000. She scours Craigslist for free supplies and posts requests to DonorsChoose.org, which matches teachers with donors.
Founded in 2000 by Charles Best, then a Bronx teacher, DonorsChoose has funded about 65,000 projects totaling $26 million. Best calls it "a more dignified, substantive alternative for teachers than selling candy door-to-door — and certainly than selling ad space on final exams. That's crazy."
I <3 Christmas
Holiday Lighting Ceremony set for Dec. 4
Celebrate an Elon tradition at a holiday event that fills the campus with 2,000 glowing luminaries. The Holiday Lighting Ceremony on Dec. 4 features hot chocolate and cider, with Christmas carols and the lighting of a Menorah leading up to the moment when thousands of lights will illuminate the heart of campus.
Loading image... E-net! image (see caption if available)
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The evening begins at 6:30 p.m. at Fonville Fountain.
Children of all ages can enjoy a ride on the Little Blue Choo, a tram that carries passengers around the main campus area, and in years past, Santa and Mrs. Claus have stopped by for younger guests to share their wish lists.
The public is invited to attend the campus celebration - a beautiful Elon tradition that you don't want to miss.
So goooing!
Monday, December 1, 2008
Pirates what?
Are you kidding me????
A bid by Somali pirates to hijack a luxury cruise ship was foiled by an international taskforce, officials said on Monday, as ransom negotiations for a Saudi super-tanker stretched into overtime.
A spokesman for the Danish navy, the current lead nation in the NATO taskforce, confirmed the operation had stopped a group of pirates from boarding a civilian vessel which reports said was carrying some 400 passengers and 200 crew
This makes me giggle
STRENGTHS:
My face book votes say that I'm:
most generous
most loyal
best father (potential)
WEAKNESSES:
most artistic
person with the best profile picture
Seriously though...
My face book votes say that I'm:
most generous
most loyal
best father (potential)
WEAKNESSES:
most artistic
person with the best profile picture
Seriously though...
Womp Womp
So it's Monday, the official last day of my break and what have I done??? After awaking to the beat of my cell jingling-I made a pot of Gevalia and grabbed a yogurt, typical morning in my house. As I was walking back to my room, however, the eyes caught a glimpse of my fun painting I did with Gail so I instantly decided I should shoot her an email since I hadn't seen or spoken to her in ages.
Fabulous idea because she phoned nearly immediately and 45 minutes later I had laughed so hard my ribs were hurting me. God I love her! She's had a rough month, and we decided a play date this week is a must! I couldn't be more excited.
Being bouncy led me into a britney dance fest where I found myself dying to go play with Aurora, so I did so! Too much fun, I just wish I had someone to be silly with. Damn Mondays...Afterwards, I went to work, dry cleaners, ON, Ross, Target, Gas Station, DT, and KMart. Phewies-now I'm back home-trying to muster the focus needed to do accounting...trying being the key word.
Had a fun exchange of textys with Matty Moo and it looks like we're finally going to get around to Four Seasons-which we've had flixed for ages now! Given I love our movie nights because they generally have Little Ceasars I'm even more excited!!
I'm looking forward to this week a lot of fun stuff, and I'm hoping to get to play with my new friend Mr. Foushee on Thursday, I am bound to have a fab time as I have every time we've played thus far. Who would have guessed I would actually meet someone worth developing a friendship with online???
Laundrys buzzing, and I should be working...until next time....TOOOOOTLES
Fabulous idea because she phoned nearly immediately and 45 minutes later I had laughed so hard my ribs were hurting me. God I love her! She's had a rough month, and we decided a play date this week is a must! I couldn't be more excited.
Being bouncy led me into a britney dance fest where I found myself dying to go play with Aurora, so I did so! Too much fun, I just wish I had someone to be silly with. Damn Mondays...Afterwards, I went to work, dry cleaners, ON, Ross, Target, Gas Station, DT, and KMart. Phewies-now I'm back home-trying to muster the focus needed to do accounting...trying being the key word.
Had a fun exchange of textys with Matty Moo and it looks like we're finally going to get around to Four Seasons-which we've had flixed for ages now! Given I love our movie nights because they generally have Little Ceasars I'm even more excited!!
I'm looking forward to this week a lot of fun stuff, and I'm hoping to get to play with my new friend Mr. Foushee on Thursday, I am bound to have a fab time as I have every time we've played thus far. Who would have guessed I would actually meet someone worth developing a friendship with online???
Laundrys buzzing, and I should be working...until next time....TOOOOOTLES
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Thanksgiving...
Thanksgiving break…I can’t believe it’s over…well part one I guess. I feel like so much happened, and the emotional roller coaster of ups and downs has left me with a feeling of uneasiness as I brace for what’s to come. Being the planner I am, I like to know what’s coming next, that’s not to say I don’t enjoy the adventure of not, but when the not involves relationships-family, friend, and more- that adventure dies. It’s simple I want everyone happy, whether that includes me or not at this point is insignificant. Yes I’d love for things to work out in my interest, but as I’ve learned in the past couple of years, perhaps now isn’t my time to shine. So break, timeline:
Weds-Got out of work at 5, spent the better part of the earlier evening debating going out with new friend John (with an h) in Charlotte where we both happen to be from but both likewise dread visiting. Scorpios- a club I should have visited ages ago, but never did was the soup dejour. After spending the earlier evening catching up with a friend from Raleigh I decided it was time to just go and have fun.
The fun began with the drive, busting out my new mixes, and blowing up the cells of past schoolmates looking for DD’s and people to come with. Oddly enough, ended up having my sister and creepy neighbor come with, and an old friend Matthew from HS. The original plan was to meet up at John’s in Charlotte, and ride together-then have the sister do the DD. Had a great time, I mean great great time. The music was hot, as were the drag queens (HA), and well so were we. The fun part about going out in a city you no longer live in, is that you don’t run into people that you care about in terms of what they’ll think of you.
It was fun getting to play with my sister, I’ve never been out with her before, EVER, and she was just a nice surprise. The evening was likewise a good one for her from what I hear. Apparently it’s the first time she’s gone out and had fun sober, and without doing something ridiculous. So yeah, I’ll be doing that again. I like her happy.
After dancing the night away and into closing we adjourned to the parking lot where we froze our asses off and were being ridiculed by the bastard security bitches trying to get us all off the property. By this point I had somehow sobered up and saw no point in having my sister play chauffer so I did the driving instead, and ended up staying at Johns. Why? Because we only decided to watch an amazing film SATC…pause for shock that I’d convince someone to watch one of my favorite movies that I just so happened to have packed in my bag. Well we made it through about half of it before passing out for the evening. Great night, on so many levels.
The next morning we awoke to Thanksgiving Thursday, very unenthusiastically I might add. This is because we both realized this meant hours on end with the families we trying avoiding because of their asinine behavior. Even so we departed, and I made it home-to moms. Where I was immediately faced with her bullshit. She was obviously already in a foul mood and looking for any and every excuse to pop pills and drink away her existence, and to ridicule me for my eating habits. Never get enough of that one. Lunch was “decent” I did the fake smiles and small talk trying to make it out without having to argue or get upset with one another. In true fashion however, this worked for almost the entire lunch, when mom flipped the fuck out on everyone for any stupid reason she could come up with. It was at this point I decided it was time to get my car. (They had picked it up from VW). So we hopped over to Mark’s shop to get it out of the garage, and as excited as I was to see her after oh so many months, I was disappointed with the craftsmanship of the work. But I’ll deal, I’m still happy to have her back in front of my house.
From there was house #2- by this point, I was so already done with the day, but again put on smiles and small talk. It was pretty painless-watching my dad being the pussy whipped person he’s become, was a bit hard to stomach, but I’ve grown accustomed to it by now. His whore of a wife was there with her new bitchy dog, and all the while I was thinking, if only she’d choke to death on her own vial. My uncle who now lives with my grandmother because he’s divorcing his wife who was as well there was there and their two annoying kids who I swear to god must have been dropped on their heads were there. This leaves my sister who was a breath of fresh air and my grandmother who I adore, when she’s isolated from the rest of the family. Dinner was fine, and the company was ok-not too much drama.
Finally 6:30 came-time to go to Nikki’s to escape the hell I had put myself in. We caught up, did drinks, and watched SATC. Great night, GREAT. God I had missed her and her witty humor and cynical attitude, I knew there was a reason we were besties. So I was there, until I got a text that I must admit made me smile a little more than I should have let it, so sue me. So this text was an invite to finish the rest of SATC that had been started the evening before in Norman. After a “little” debate, nikki packed my shit and told me to leave…I knew I loved her. So off I went, and after adventuring through the woods and poorly marked streets, made my way to Norman more specifically Johns. We snuggled up to the movie finished it and made cracks about my inability to use my own computer before falling asleep in one another’s arms again. Admittedly by this point it’s already been made quite clear to me that I should expect nothing more than his friendship, and I’m doing my best to be ok with this, but I couldn’t help but find the most comfortable night’s sleep I’ve had in well…I can’t remember its been so long. This might explain why I didn’t want to get up and didn’t until after 1 the next day. It’s odd really, we’re polar opposites in a number of ways, but I guess that’s part of the attraction there.
So after finally crawling-literally if I’m not mistaken out of bed we went downstairs where I got to meet the family, and enjoyed doing so as they were seemingly very nice and welcoming to me. We had breakfast, an amazing little casserole bit that though simple hit the spot. Thereafter and all morning, we chatted. I hated to leave but I had made plans to spend the afternoon with Jonafin and the fam in Pineville, which I had been ubbbbbberly looking forward to since it had been forever since I last saw them all.
I showered and made my way, getting very excited on my way there because I got to talk to B in NYC and with Matty Moo, who both of course made fun of me and my dorkdum. I got to Jonafins in no time, and was met with hugs-Home alas, the feeling was nearly intoxicating. I’ve quit going home, since graduation that is. The drama, the bullshit, the heart ache, I just couldn’t deal wih it anymore and had cut Charlotte out of my life, and in the process cut the Shutts out, which was never in the plans it was just a by product of my other decision. Needless to say that’ll be changing. In my visit we discussed a few things, one being that I now have a key, and two being that kitty can come stay there when I’m in town, and three they’d like it if I visited more and they invited me for Christmas to come stay. Christmas-the holiday the gets me generally more excited than life itself at the Shutt house, we bake cookies for Santa leave reindeer for Rudolph we play games and tell stories around the fire place. All the things that make you feel warm and tingly inside. I hate Christmas before they came into my life, and had in the last year gone back to those feelings towards it because of the hub bub surrounding the family that I should call my own. This year though-I have a feeling things will be different.
Anyway-so got there played a couple entertaining rounds of Apples to Apples, did dinner, and caught up…it was nice. Things were going well, very much so until I happened to look down at the ring on Jonathans finger. The ring wasn’t just any ring, it was my ring, the ring I thought had been discarded, the ring that at one point was supposed to be a promise to forever love-support-and be with me. But as all things failed to fulfill it’s promise. My heart stopped and I felt all the blood flow out of me, I was numb. Quickly clinging back onto reality, I tried to maintain my composure, after all…technically speaking it was just a ring, we attached the meaning to it. I obviously am not a master of disguise seeing as how he caught up to my discontent offering to give it back to me, which I could have never done because I couldn’t live with a constant reminder of the failure that still has a way of sneaking in and haunting me to the core when I least expect and welcome it. So I left it-funny thing is it came off his finger for the rest of trip…what that was about other than discomfort I do not know. There are just so many questions but can I ask them? NO.
Following our last round of Apples to apples, Jonathan slipped into a funk. I am unknowing of what brought it on, but I didn’t know how to take or deal with it other than to try comforting him, while trying to mask the concern. He didn’t talk that night, apparently his plan is to never talk about it. That’s his prerogative, but it sucks because I and everyone else in his life just want to see him happy, whatever that may entail that’s the hope. What’s frustrating is that helpless feeling one gets when they realize they can do nothing for a friend, especially when they feel they really need it. So that was the position I was in, frustrated that I could do nothing, and I had really planned on doing things with him this weekend. Always complaining about going out I wanted to take him out, with John and I. I gave up, said what I had to say, and told him that I think he should come back with me the next evening to GSO for a Colt and Jon night like old times, movies pizza and wine…classy-right. He said he’d think about it, and I got in my car off to meet John to start an adventure for the evening.
So I met up with John at the Charlotte house to go to the garden and gun…a new “upcoming” club in Charlotte. Promising with a name like that we thought meh why not. We were both obviously having one of those evenings that we’d like to somehow mask with some other emotion. The talk on the drive there was comforting. I feel like I’m really getting to know John, and the more I get to know him, the more I think we are actually be really good friends, more possibly down the road, but for now I’m content having someone to talk to, have fun with, and someone to listen to works for me. It’s odd to think about it, given I’ve known him for such a short while, but he made Thanksgiving this year. I’m not sure I could have tolerated it otherwise; I just hope that the friendship we started building there continues to prosper now that he’s back in Chapel Hill. I guess time will tell, admittedly I am impatient though, and I just hope this isn’t another toxic friendship; leaving me to be the butt of a joke.
So we went-funny drive there aside from the conversation that was anything but. After having to ask for directions twice from the same guy we arrived into one huge ass gravel parking lot across the street from what looked like a seemingly normal and fun place…We had our own little pre-party in the car before going in, put on our game faces and grabbed the camera for yet another adventure in Charlotte. Upon entering the place, we were met with techno (bleck-just can’t do it) and a little freak…I mean nothing out of the ordinary for Charlotte. That was until we were met with chick in a straight jacket-esc top being led around with a chain. Why I didn’t get her picture I don’t know. So yeah there we were, me my popped collar, John in his polo and straight leg jeans amongst a crowd of S&M-we didn’t stick out at all. =p. Still we had a blast enjoying it for what it was worth. My favorite was our tourist like conversation, grabbing peoples whips…ok perhaps letting them use them on us, being bitten by a lesbian, and dragging boys around with chains…I mean really when in Rome why not. After all was said and done we played around to our own personal music before heading back to his place, for comfortable nights sleep 3…Speaking of…spoiled is the word I haven’t slept like that in forever, and well given I slept a grand total of four hours last night before awaking at 5 tossing and turning….boo. That’s neither here nor there though, I need to go ahead and brace myself with the reality of the situation.
So a hug goodbye in the morning and off we went our separate ways, I to Jons and John to what was supposed to be Winston. I spent the day playing games with the Shutts and laughing till I was crying. Jonathan’s spirits appeared to lift as the day went on, which was nice. He decided to stay in Charlotte with the family because of church this morning.
The drama of the day enfolded with my mother. She started in that morning and I knew it wasn’t going to be good. She had essentially been on a two day pills and drinking binge…always a recipe for disaster, and she was fired up early. Long story short it turned into her fighting with the husband and making a false report to the police that he hit her so that they’d arrest him and ban him from returning to the house. Can’t deal with her anymore, ANYMORE. I’m so tired of it, I’ve done it for 23 years. I love her, but I love myself to. I just hate to see it. I just want them happy, they both deserve it. Needless to say when it came time to get in my car, that was one situation I was happy to be leaving.
Well happy isn’t the word to describe the drive home, it hit me the second I pulled out of the drive way then the tears came on. I was driving back to Elon, the place of stress-loneliness-and failure. I hate it here, my friends are else where, and on top of that-I had spent the last 4 days surrounded by people. It was almost too much to bear, and in the back of my mind I just kept hoping let him call, let him call and say he wants to stay the night, and have a play date the next day something I had wanted all week, but schedules just wouldn’t allow for. But no…instead I got home, unpacked, entertained kitty, and crawled into bed around 12:30.
The last few days have been a blur…Today should be interesting to see how it pans out. I’m supposed to do lunch with Danakins and Jonafin at 2, and dinner in GSO with Matty Moo-Shane-Carolyn. In the back of my mind, I’m hoping to get that phone call again because more than all this other, I just want to relax in the arms and I want to really talk. I want to get to know him, I want to find out his story, I really want a friendship-a real one-a colt one not one of these bullshit ones I develop with so many others where you wear fake smiles and pretend life is good. Until then I’ll patiently (though I don’t really know the definition) wait.
Oye that was an update, I had been wanting to get it out all weekend!
Weds-Got out of work at 5, spent the better part of the earlier evening debating going out with new friend John (with an h) in Charlotte where we both happen to be from but both likewise dread visiting. Scorpios- a club I should have visited ages ago, but never did was the soup dejour. After spending the earlier evening catching up with a friend from Raleigh I decided it was time to just go and have fun.
The fun began with the drive, busting out my new mixes, and blowing up the cells of past schoolmates looking for DD’s and people to come with. Oddly enough, ended up having my sister and creepy neighbor come with, and an old friend Matthew from HS. The original plan was to meet up at John’s in Charlotte, and ride together-then have the sister do the DD. Had a great time, I mean great great time. The music was hot, as were the drag queens (HA), and well so were we. The fun part about going out in a city you no longer live in, is that you don’t run into people that you care about in terms of what they’ll think of you.
It was fun getting to play with my sister, I’ve never been out with her before, EVER, and she was just a nice surprise. The evening was likewise a good one for her from what I hear. Apparently it’s the first time she’s gone out and had fun sober, and without doing something ridiculous. So yeah, I’ll be doing that again. I like her happy.
After dancing the night away and into closing we adjourned to the parking lot where we froze our asses off and were being ridiculed by the bastard security bitches trying to get us all off the property. By this point I had somehow sobered up and saw no point in having my sister play chauffer so I did the driving instead, and ended up staying at Johns. Why? Because we only decided to watch an amazing film SATC…pause for shock that I’d convince someone to watch one of my favorite movies that I just so happened to have packed in my bag. Well we made it through about half of it before passing out for the evening. Great night, on so many levels.
The next morning we awoke to Thanksgiving Thursday, very unenthusiastically I might add. This is because we both realized this meant hours on end with the families we trying avoiding because of their asinine behavior. Even so we departed, and I made it home-to moms. Where I was immediately faced with her bullshit. She was obviously already in a foul mood and looking for any and every excuse to pop pills and drink away her existence, and to ridicule me for my eating habits. Never get enough of that one. Lunch was “decent” I did the fake smiles and small talk trying to make it out without having to argue or get upset with one another. In true fashion however, this worked for almost the entire lunch, when mom flipped the fuck out on everyone for any stupid reason she could come up with. It was at this point I decided it was time to get my car. (They had picked it up from VW). So we hopped over to Mark’s shop to get it out of the garage, and as excited as I was to see her after oh so many months, I was disappointed with the craftsmanship of the work. But I’ll deal, I’m still happy to have her back in front of my house.
From there was house #2- by this point, I was so already done with the day, but again put on smiles and small talk. It was pretty painless-watching my dad being the pussy whipped person he’s become, was a bit hard to stomach, but I’ve grown accustomed to it by now. His whore of a wife was there with her new bitchy dog, and all the while I was thinking, if only she’d choke to death on her own vial. My uncle who now lives with my grandmother because he’s divorcing his wife who was as well there was there and their two annoying kids who I swear to god must have been dropped on their heads were there. This leaves my sister who was a breath of fresh air and my grandmother who I adore, when she’s isolated from the rest of the family. Dinner was fine, and the company was ok-not too much drama.
Finally 6:30 came-time to go to Nikki’s to escape the hell I had put myself in. We caught up, did drinks, and watched SATC. Great night, GREAT. God I had missed her and her witty humor and cynical attitude, I knew there was a reason we were besties. So I was there, until I got a text that I must admit made me smile a little more than I should have let it, so sue me. So this text was an invite to finish the rest of SATC that had been started the evening before in Norman. After a “little” debate, nikki packed my shit and told me to leave…I knew I loved her. So off I went, and after adventuring through the woods and poorly marked streets, made my way to Norman more specifically Johns. We snuggled up to the movie finished it and made cracks about my inability to use my own computer before falling asleep in one another’s arms again. Admittedly by this point it’s already been made quite clear to me that I should expect nothing more than his friendship, and I’m doing my best to be ok with this, but I couldn’t help but find the most comfortable night’s sleep I’ve had in well…I can’t remember its been so long. This might explain why I didn’t want to get up and didn’t until after 1 the next day. It’s odd really, we’re polar opposites in a number of ways, but I guess that’s part of the attraction there.
So after finally crawling-literally if I’m not mistaken out of bed we went downstairs where I got to meet the family, and enjoyed doing so as they were seemingly very nice and welcoming to me. We had breakfast, an amazing little casserole bit that though simple hit the spot. Thereafter and all morning, we chatted. I hated to leave but I had made plans to spend the afternoon with Jonafin and the fam in Pineville, which I had been ubbbbbberly looking forward to since it had been forever since I last saw them all.
I showered and made my way, getting very excited on my way there because I got to talk to B in NYC and with Matty Moo, who both of course made fun of me and my dorkdum. I got to Jonafins in no time, and was met with hugs-Home alas, the feeling was nearly intoxicating. I’ve quit going home, since graduation that is. The drama, the bullshit, the heart ache, I just couldn’t deal wih it anymore and had cut Charlotte out of my life, and in the process cut the Shutts out, which was never in the plans it was just a by product of my other decision. Needless to say that’ll be changing. In my visit we discussed a few things, one being that I now have a key, and two being that kitty can come stay there when I’m in town, and three they’d like it if I visited more and they invited me for Christmas to come stay. Christmas-the holiday the gets me generally more excited than life itself at the Shutt house, we bake cookies for Santa leave reindeer for Rudolph we play games and tell stories around the fire place. All the things that make you feel warm and tingly inside. I hate Christmas before they came into my life, and had in the last year gone back to those feelings towards it because of the hub bub surrounding the family that I should call my own. This year though-I have a feeling things will be different.
Anyway-so got there played a couple entertaining rounds of Apples to Apples, did dinner, and caught up…it was nice. Things were going well, very much so until I happened to look down at the ring on Jonathans finger. The ring wasn’t just any ring, it was my ring, the ring I thought had been discarded, the ring that at one point was supposed to be a promise to forever love-support-and be with me. But as all things failed to fulfill it’s promise. My heart stopped and I felt all the blood flow out of me, I was numb. Quickly clinging back onto reality, I tried to maintain my composure, after all…technically speaking it was just a ring, we attached the meaning to it. I obviously am not a master of disguise seeing as how he caught up to my discontent offering to give it back to me, which I could have never done because I couldn’t live with a constant reminder of the failure that still has a way of sneaking in and haunting me to the core when I least expect and welcome it. So I left it-funny thing is it came off his finger for the rest of trip…what that was about other than discomfort I do not know. There are just so many questions but can I ask them? NO.
Following our last round of Apples to apples, Jonathan slipped into a funk. I am unknowing of what brought it on, but I didn’t know how to take or deal with it other than to try comforting him, while trying to mask the concern. He didn’t talk that night, apparently his plan is to never talk about it. That’s his prerogative, but it sucks because I and everyone else in his life just want to see him happy, whatever that may entail that’s the hope. What’s frustrating is that helpless feeling one gets when they realize they can do nothing for a friend, especially when they feel they really need it. So that was the position I was in, frustrated that I could do nothing, and I had really planned on doing things with him this weekend. Always complaining about going out I wanted to take him out, with John and I. I gave up, said what I had to say, and told him that I think he should come back with me the next evening to GSO for a Colt and Jon night like old times, movies pizza and wine…classy-right. He said he’d think about it, and I got in my car off to meet John to start an adventure for the evening.
So I met up with John at the Charlotte house to go to the garden and gun…a new “upcoming” club in Charlotte. Promising with a name like that we thought meh why not. We were both obviously having one of those evenings that we’d like to somehow mask with some other emotion. The talk on the drive there was comforting. I feel like I’m really getting to know John, and the more I get to know him, the more I think we are actually be really good friends, more possibly down the road, but for now I’m content having someone to talk to, have fun with, and someone to listen to works for me. It’s odd to think about it, given I’ve known him for such a short while, but he made Thanksgiving this year. I’m not sure I could have tolerated it otherwise; I just hope that the friendship we started building there continues to prosper now that he’s back in Chapel Hill. I guess time will tell, admittedly I am impatient though, and I just hope this isn’t another toxic friendship; leaving me to be the butt of a joke.
So we went-funny drive there aside from the conversation that was anything but. After having to ask for directions twice from the same guy we arrived into one huge ass gravel parking lot across the street from what looked like a seemingly normal and fun place…We had our own little pre-party in the car before going in, put on our game faces and grabbed the camera for yet another adventure in Charlotte. Upon entering the place, we were met with techno (bleck-just can’t do it) and a little freak…I mean nothing out of the ordinary for Charlotte. That was until we were met with chick in a straight jacket-esc top being led around with a chain. Why I didn’t get her picture I don’t know. So yeah there we were, me my popped collar, John in his polo and straight leg jeans amongst a crowd of S&M-we didn’t stick out at all. =p. Still we had a blast enjoying it for what it was worth. My favorite was our tourist like conversation, grabbing peoples whips…ok perhaps letting them use them on us, being bitten by a lesbian, and dragging boys around with chains…I mean really when in Rome why not. After all was said and done we played around to our own personal music before heading back to his place, for comfortable nights sleep 3…Speaking of…spoiled is the word I haven’t slept like that in forever, and well given I slept a grand total of four hours last night before awaking at 5 tossing and turning….boo. That’s neither here nor there though, I need to go ahead and brace myself with the reality of the situation.
So a hug goodbye in the morning and off we went our separate ways, I to Jons and John to what was supposed to be Winston. I spent the day playing games with the Shutts and laughing till I was crying. Jonathan’s spirits appeared to lift as the day went on, which was nice. He decided to stay in Charlotte with the family because of church this morning.
The drama of the day enfolded with my mother. She started in that morning and I knew it wasn’t going to be good. She had essentially been on a two day pills and drinking binge…always a recipe for disaster, and she was fired up early. Long story short it turned into her fighting with the husband and making a false report to the police that he hit her so that they’d arrest him and ban him from returning to the house. Can’t deal with her anymore, ANYMORE. I’m so tired of it, I’ve done it for 23 years. I love her, but I love myself to. I just hate to see it. I just want them happy, they both deserve it. Needless to say when it came time to get in my car, that was one situation I was happy to be leaving.
Well happy isn’t the word to describe the drive home, it hit me the second I pulled out of the drive way then the tears came on. I was driving back to Elon, the place of stress-loneliness-and failure. I hate it here, my friends are else where, and on top of that-I had spent the last 4 days surrounded by people. It was almost too much to bear, and in the back of my mind I just kept hoping let him call, let him call and say he wants to stay the night, and have a play date the next day something I had wanted all week, but schedules just wouldn’t allow for. But no…instead I got home, unpacked, entertained kitty, and crawled into bed around 12:30.
The last few days have been a blur…Today should be interesting to see how it pans out. I’m supposed to do lunch with Danakins and Jonafin at 2, and dinner in GSO with Matty Moo-Shane-Carolyn. In the back of my mind, I’m hoping to get that phone call again because more than all this other, I just want to relax in the arms and I want to really talk. I want to get to know him, I want to find out his story, I really want a friendship-a real one-a colt one not one of these bullshit ones I develop with so many others where you wear fake smiles and pretend life is good. Until then I’ll patiently (though I don’t really know the definition) wait.
Oye that was an update, I had been wanting to get it out all weekend!
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
I'm a big boy now...
So I did it...I registered for the GMAT this morning, December 22nd...I'm sick to my stomach, I know in my head I'm no where near prepared. I'm thankful I have a month, but in my head I hear it FAILURE FAILURE FAILURE abort abort abort. I hear this a lot, but this time I think I'll use it as my fuel...I just have to remember back to the SAT's and my admission to Elon, everyone said there was no way-yet I proved them wrong...fingers crossed it'll happen again...it has to! Keep the fingers crossed
Monday, November 24, 2008
Its about time!
eHarmony agrees to provide same-sex matches
Change is part of discrimination settlement with N.J.'s Civil Rights Division
By Beth DeFalco
The Associated Press
updated 9:38 a.m. ET, Thurs., Nov. 20, 2008
TRENTON, N.J. - Online dating service eHarmony said Wednesday it will launch a new Web site which caters to same-sex singles as part of a discrimination settlement with New Jersey's Civil Rights Division.
The settlement is the result of a complaint New Jersey resident Eric McKinley filed against the online matchmaker in 2005. McKinley, 46, said he was shocked when he tried to sign up for the dating site but couldn't get past the first screen because there was no option for men seeking men.
"It's very frustrating and it's very humiliating to think that other people can do it and I can't," he said. "And the only reason I can't is because I'm a gay man. That's very hurtful."
Neither the company nor its founder, Neil Clark Warren, acknowledged any liability. Under the settlement, eHarmony will pay New Jersey state division $50,000 to cover administrative costs and will pay McKinley $5,000.
McKinley called the settlement "fabulous" and said he was happy with the outcome. He's considering signing up for the new site once it launches.
Pasadena, Calif.-based eHarmony said it plans to launch its new service, called Compatible Partners, on March 31.
The site will be free for the first 10,000 users who register within a year of its launch. After that, pricing for the new site will be equal to that of eHarmony.
"With the launch of the Compatible Partners site, our policy is to welcome all single individuals who are genuinely seeking long-term relationships," said Antone Johnson, eHarmony's vice president of legal affairs.
Theodore B. Olson, an attorney for eHarmony, said that even though the company believed McKinley's complaint was "an unfair characterization of our business," it choose to settle because of the unpredictable nature of litigation.
"eHarmony looks forward to moving beyond this legal dispute, which has been a burden for the company, and continuing to advance its business model of serving individuals by helping them find successful, long-term relationships," Olson said.
The popular online matchmaker has been sued before for discrimination.
Last year, a Northern California woman sued the online dating service. She also alleged discrimination against gays, lesbians and bisexuals.
In 2005, a San Francisco man filed a similar complaint to McKinley's, but the state determined no discrimination laws were violated.
Another California man sued eHarmony in 2005 for refusing to help him find a date. The company said there was one good reason for that: He was still married. That case was dropped on the eve of trial.
Copyright 2008 The Associated Press. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Break the Ice!
So I lay here on this Sunday morning breaking the ice to my new blog...will I keep it up, who knows. Essentially this is my personal effort to save friends from countless hours of my rambling and nonsense. So to break the ice, well me...I'm tired...tired of pretending, so I've recently made the decision to stop. I'm just going to have fun try my hardest to succeed and I guess brace for failure even though I'm not so sure I'm quite ready for that one yet.
With the deadline of my GMAT arriving, A-plus, Accounting, Work, Family, Friends, Pathetic Dating Life, Distraught Cat, Illness, and Drama I've found myself at ends with what to do or where to start. Even more so why to start. My platters just too full this time, and the sad thing is I've lost my vision-there is no goal anymore, no end point. What happened to it I don't know, perhaps it was the countless set backs encountered but I feel it may be more than that. So in the mean time, I intend of making the most of my present situation, while holding onto the last strand of my sanity. I'm not a sad person, sad is weak, but I do question things and being a realist feel as though some may take my words and twist them around to make it into a plea for help. They're not-this is my deal, its always been my plan than gives me fuel to fight. Losing that plan meant burning out. So I'm out searching for it again.
Well there, Ice broken...sitting on my ass isn't going to get me anywhere! Toootles
With the deadline of my GMAT arriving, A-plus, Accounting, Work, Family, Friends, Pathetic Dating Life, Distraught Cat, Illness, and Drama I've found myself at ends with what to do or where to start. Even more so why to start. My platters just too full this time, and the sad thing is I've lost my vision-there is no goal anymore, no end point. What happened to it I don't know, perhaps it was the countless set backs encountered but I feel it may be more than that. So in the mean time, I intend of making the most of my present situation, while holding onto the last strand of my sanity. I'm not a sad person, sad is weak, but I do question things and being a realist feel as though some may take my words and twist them around to make it into a plea for help. They're not-this is my deal, its always been my plan than gives me fuel to fight. Losing that plan meant burning out. So I'm out searching for it again.
Well there, Ice broken...sitting on my ass isn't going to get me anywhere! Toootles
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