Oh mom...

Mom…

Where to begin, you know I thought I had put all of this behind me and that I’d no longer allow it to get to me, and I have to admit I think I’ve done a good job with it. Moving on that is. Or trying to. I love her, but I can’t allow her to do as she has all my life which is bring me down, bring me down to her level. To that level where you hate yourself because she hates herself so much. But guess what…its happened again, I feel helpless and trapped again. I want so badly to be there for her to step in, give it all up to go home and hold her hand. To be that strong support she’s going to need to get through this all. But is it a battle worth trying to fight? No, we’ve done this-time and time again, but with no end result that is worth mentioning.
I hope this times different, I’m going to keep my fingers crossed that it is, and I’ll add her to my list of prayers. Can’t hurt-or can it. I’ve thought about this, why is it she’s here-why has she survived all the crashes, the drug ods, the drinking binges, the boy friends, gun fights, poverty, health. WHY? You’d think she was Ghandi or something for all she’s been able to make it through. I cringe at the thought of dealing with a lot of it. I feel bad when I have to put a tank of gas on a credit card, couldn’t imagine what it’d be like putting a house payment and all my groceries there too. That has to take it’s toll on you after a while.

What’s scarier, is I’m hers. I am a by product of her, she brought me up. Who’s to say I’m not turning into her? It’s a thought that terrorizes me on a regular basis. I try my hardest, but then again what am I doing right now…fighting the bit that keeps me in line. I bitch about being the put together one, I want to be the goes out and has fun one…or do I? I miss everything being in line. Having someone to come home and make dinner for every night, someone to snuggle up to on the couch to talk about my day with, or watch a new movie, or even those silly reruns of CSI that I hated with a passion. But it seems I either want it all or want nothing. I have that regiment now but with a cat, give me a break. This past weekend was a teaser. I got used to having someone to sleep with again, and it’s a feeling that has left me again feeling home wrecked, and my only solution is to find another. I just want that comfort, that safety net. I haven’t slept like I did in years and yearn for it.

I guess what this all adds up to is I feel I’m going to have to be more self critical than before. I can’t allow myself to fall to her level. As much as I want to be with someone, as much as I want to go out, as much as I want to be the life that keeps people burning-I have to tame that beast, and be me. Hope that instead of trying to please every or even some-one that I’ll need to please myself first and hope that someone finds that self to be the best and worthy of their time.
Ugh, again I feel like this blog has turned into mindless ramble-but I really don’t mean to seem like a downer, this is just what’s in my head, and getting it out here-well it’s been nice. It’s almost like telling someone but not…if that makes sense and all.

Stay tuned until next time when I spill it again for you….